It’s right here. We made it, of us. The explanation for the season has arrived. In a jam-packed, extra-long, jumbo-size episode we watched as the women descended into the depths of the dungeon, guided solely by the sunshine of Bolo’s jam-packed, extra-long, jumbo-size penis. Enter at your personal peril. The secure phrase is Peach Juice.
We all know we’re in for a very iconic episode from the opening moments, a Primary Intuition–model confessional with Kenya Moore doing her finest Sharon Stone drag, lighting a cigarette in that white sleeveless turtleneck costume. Now, I’ve by no means seen Primary Intuition (don’t @ me), however even I do know the societal import of Sharon Stone opening her legs in that chair whereas carrying that white costume. Depart it to The Actual Housewives of Atlanta to take that second and make it in some way much more iconic by including the next line: “Ms. Moore, what’s a definition of a freak hoe?” “Somebody who’ll principally be a hoe for anybody,” Ms. Moore says drolly, earlier than we flash again to footage from the dungeon social gathering. Photos of twerking butts, Cynthia in a sling, and Ms. Moore herself writhing on the ground flood the display screen. Some freak hoe shit positively went down, it seems.
“There’s not sufficient holy water or sage on the earth to erase what went down on this home,” Kenya continues in confessional, laying it on actual thick. “Somebody screwed the stripper. It wasn’t me, however I’m going to seek out out who did it.” Wow, as somebody of having-screwed-the-stripper/go-go-boy expertise (we salute you, 2019 Pines Underwear Occasion), I really feel very seen by this episode and imagine that whoever screwed the stripper ought to be celebrated slightly than placed on trial. Nevertheless, I’m not working the present, Kenya Moore is and, as such, a full-blown investigation is underneath approach. Kenya is opening up a brand new department of the No. 1 Women’ Detective Company, however for locating out who bought dicked down by Bolo the stripper.
However earlier than we play Homicide She Wrote, we should see the occasions that led to the crime of sleeping with the stripper, so we flash again to in the future earlier, when the ladies are preparing for the dungeon. Porsha, Kandi, and Canadian Tanya get gussied up in her room, and I nonetheless can’t imagine Canadian Tanya’s chyron is “Porsha’s good friend.” Porsha says that she doesn’t have to put on a face protect. “I wanna be unprotected. I need it uncooked,” she jokes. Okay, so it’s THAT sort of social gathering. “Take that again,” Porsha rapidly provides, confirming that it truly isn’t that sort of social gathering, which might be for the very best. Porsha is given the compulsory job of delivering the *private island all tested negative multiple times wear a mask* confessional in order that viewers can really feel comfy watching these girls break each single one of many CDC’s really useful COVID tips and completely throw down amid a worldwide pandemic. Porsha, after all, knocks it out of the park, delivering the message within the funniest approach potential, precisely noting that at a bachelorette social gathering, you need to see individuals’s mouths “like AYY.” Actually, the one factor greater than Porsha’s peach is her mouth, and we’re blessed to have each on this tv program. Please signal my petition to interchange Nicole Kidman in the Lucille Ball biopic with Porsha Williams.
Quickly the women are prepared and are available out of their best dungeon apparel they usually all look smoking scorching. Severely, tens throughout the board. LaToya is serving Catwoman. Marlo’s belt is blurred by manufacturing for some purpose, and Porsha’s boobs are blurred by manufacturing for very apparent causes #freethenip. The gals are so horny and horned up they’re even in a position to muster pleasure at seeing Detective Moore, a.ok.a. Kenya THEE stallion, in her purple leather-based getup. However Kenya hasn’t flipped the detective swap simply but; she’s able to have enjoyable and let her hair down at Cynthia’s Dungeon Bachelorette Occasion earlier than Cynthia’s Pandemmy Weddy on Ten-Ten-Twenty. Cynthia has no concept the Dungeon Bachelorette Occasion is even taking place and comes downstairs in a maxi-dress wanting completely scared and confused, as the ladies come out one after the other of their P-Valley best. They create again their alter egos from the murder-mystery social gathering (keep in mind her?) and ship full, choreographed introductions for Peach Juice, Chocolate, Diva, Vagena Drip (my favourite), Lickety Cut up, Trini Gyal, Dynasty (heavy sigh), and Kandi as Mistress Angel, working the present. Vagena Drip, a.ok.a Shamea, wins for finest entrance as she absolutely drops right into a Russian break up and bounces up and down prefer it ain’t no thang. She’s the key weapon of this journey.
Regardless of the enjoyable introduction, Cynthia continues to be giving Auntie when the temporary particularly requested for Nieces. As such, Marlo takes her upstairs to get her dungeon outfit on and we get a full Princess Diaries–Satan Wears Prada (wow, Anne Hathaway has given us so much) makeover second as Cynthia transforms from Cynthia to 50 CYNT. Yeah, we’re positively not packing doggie baggage for Mike Hill tonight, babe. Mistress Angel, a.ok.a. Kandi, has instructed that Cynthia put a vibrator in her panties (sorry, I don’t hate that phrase like everybody else, develop up) that Kandi can management by way of distant, which is wonderful natural spon for her sex-toy line, Kandi Koated Kollection. Cynthia wobbles downstairs positively wanting extra in theme. “I all the time knew Cynthia had a wagon,” Porsha hilariously remarks re Cynthia’s ass, and he or she’s not fallacious. Nonetheless, there’s some residual Auntie vitality with Cynthia. Because the saying goes, you may take the woman-of-a-certain-age out of the Auntie, however you may’t take the Auntie out of the woman-of-a-certain-age.
Lastly, after so, a lot foreplay, we get to the principle occasion, which is Bolo the stripper. I actually imagine I might write a 40,000 phrases about Bolo, however an important factor you might want to find out about Bolo is that he has a large penis. A completely big schlong. Like, manufacturing needed to blur it by his pants it’s so large. If that makes you uncomfortable, then I’m sorry this episode and this recap just isn’t for you. Massive dicks solely right here. The women stroll out onto the veranda and absorb Bolo in all his glory writhing in a glass field. “Bolo has a giant bolo,” screams LaToya precisely but unintelligibly, as a result of sure, duh, but additionally what’s a bolo? Porsha shares that she already was following Bolo on social media, however a fast Instagram search appears to substantiate that that’s not the case. For the document, Bolo can also be extremely scorching and has a style for Chanel, which Marlo notes is pretend, which scans on this economic system. I don’t find out about you, however I merely don’t know many strippers who can afford head-to-toe genuine Chanel outfits lately.
We then get Cynthia’s Primary Intuition confessional the place she denies that Bolo gave her any particular remedy because the bride-to-be. Footage from the occasion with Cynthia absolutely stuffing greenback payments down Bolo’s pants appears to recommend that this isn’t essentially the case. Cynthia additionally appears to be so dickmatized by Bolo that she has forgotten what state they have been in, saying they need to go away all of the occasions from the dungeon social gathering behind in North Carolina as a substitute of South Carolina, the place they really have been. Good dick will do this to you, although. We then journey again to
North South Carolina, the place Bolo has left the glass field and is making ready to placed on a present for the women in Marlo’s bed room, a.ok.a the lounge. Kandi is casually passing out $4K in singles, and Marlo precisely factors out that many of those girls are singleish and able to mingleish.
Bolo places on a present, and Cynthia provides him a whopping $4, which appears low-cost even when he weren’t a stripper with the world’s longest ding-a-long. Pay this man what he’s owed! Bolo proves his price by doing a literal again handspring right into a diving humping movement right into a headstand, which isn’t any simple feat! As a Black man who used to do aggressive gymnastics (true story), I like to see one other brother working towards the artwork kind. After Shamea has an excellent confessional second calling Kenya out for showering Bolo with cash after #CrabCakeGate, Bolo whips it out. And after I say he whips it out, I imply he actually whips it out for all the ladies to see. Listed here are response photographs of the ladies taking in Bolo’s pogo-stick-long member:
Wow, an image actually is price 1,000 phrases. The women proceed to get correctly wasted, and, per Kenya’s request, Porsha asks Bolo to stay round and social gathering with them after the cameras cease rolling. Right here is the second the place the fourth wall rears its head once more and we have now to deal with the truth that we’re, the truth is, watching a reality-television program. They need the REAL social gathering to begin, so that they need to flip the cameras OFF so issues can actually go DOWN. We see manufacturing and digicam crew say they’re gonna see once they wrap (that’s a showbiz time period for “cease filming,” you’re welcome), and LaToya says that they will’t actually have enjoyable till all of the cameras are gone. This makes me existentially unhappy as a result of it implies that every time we’re watching a Actual Housewife on-camera she isn’t actually having enjoyable as a result of she is at work. Nevertheless, Kandi says she doesn’t give a fuck concerning the cameras, so I’m allowed to cease occupied with this solely and return to my pure state of dumb bitch. We then see the precise digicam crew go away at 12:45 a.m. and swap over to night-vision footage, which seems to be simply regardless of the cameras which can be on the property have been in a position to seize. And from the appears of it, issues stayed turnt up nicely past what we have been in a position to see …
After which, it’s the following day. The home appears like an absolute catastrophe and everyone seems to be hung-over besides Kenya, who apparently left the social gathering round
1 a.m. (lame) to handle Brooklyn (comprehensible). Kenya claims that when she wakened at 6 a.m. and got here into the kitchen, she heard “moaning and groaning” within the spare bed room between Portia and Kandi’s room and is aware of Bolo didn’t go away until 7 a.m., i.e., somebody screwed the stripper. As a result of delicate nature of the alleged exercise that went down with Bolo the stripper, it’s finest to current the timeline of occasions within the clearest approach potential:
12:45 a.m.: Manufacturing wraps for the night time.
1:18 a.m.: On the night-vision digicam, we see a nanny convey Brooklyn as much as Kenya’s room. Downstairs, we see Cynthia and Bolo by the shades. In confessional, Cynthia confirms what we’re all questioning about Bolo: “It’s actual.” Nicely, that settles that. Porsha, who says she’s feeling somewhat bisexual this night, is caught on-camera making out with LaToya. Drained: KenToya. Wired: PorToya.
3:48 a.m.: Drew appears to be doing a little rhythmic desk humping. In dialog with Cynthia the following morning, she shares that Bolo flipped her and threw her on the desk (take that, Ralph). She describes being face down on the espresso desk and “feeling very free.” Tanya says she’s going to “get in bother,” and Porsha says that she gained’t.
4:52 a.m.: We hear Bolo by the blinds saying “Oh my God” and may see an unidentified particular person strolling by the room.
6:00 a.m.: Kenya is up strolling round and claims she hears noises: “Moans and groans and I heard voices coming from the hallway.” We get a literal ground plan of the home and see there’s one open bed room in between Porsha and Kandi’s room. Later it’s revealed that Marlo goes to the kitchen round this time and in addition hears “moaning and groaning.”
7:06 a.m.: Bolo the stripper and his ginormous package deal lastly go away the home.
Whereas rather a lot about what transpired after the cameras stopped rolling is unclear, what is obvious is that the Atlanta women are enjoyable as fuck and know tips on how to flip up. Greatest franchise to social gathering with, arms down (RHONY’s a detailed second, after all). The following day, half the hung-over girls go on a fishing journey whereas the opposite half keep on the home and have to face trial at Bolo Court docket with prosecutor-judge Kenya Moore. Despite the fact that the boat is unquestionably a fishing boat and never a yacht like Porsha wished, it’s cute and enjoyable and Shane, the white boatman, at one level says, “Maintain your uncooked tip up,” which introduced me again to Bolo-land and made me snicker out loud. Additionally, Marlo absolutely caught a literal shark. Like, not a child shark, however a full-grown Bruce from Discovering Nemo, might most likely chew your leg off shark. Kandi confirms that the shark is the one factor within the recognized universe that’s greater than Bolo’s penis.
Again on the ranch, Kenya Moore returns to kind and has to damage the whole lot, taking what could possibly be a enjoyable, semi-innocent recreation of “Who Bopped Bolo?” and turning it into the Salem Witch Trials. That’s the issue with Kenya; she doesn’t know the place to attract the road. As such, she grills Cynthia, then LaToya, then Shamea and Tanya about precisely what occurred between
2 a.m. and 6 a.m. on the dungeon social gathering. Look, anybody who’s ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette social gathering is aware of that you just don’t discuss what occurs on the social gathering, partially since you get so fucked up that you just don’t keep in mind. The final (learn solely) bachelor social gathering I went to I bought so excessive that I forgot tips on how to communicate, bought misplaced wandering the hallways of the resort connected to the on line casino alone, and all my pals thought I died. Once I ultimately Ubered again to the home at 5 within the morning they usually requested “what occurred?” I mentioned, “I don’t know,” as a result of, in all honesty, I didn’t know. To at the present time, I nonetheless don’t know. So, I stand with the ladies who say they don’t actually recall the occasions of the night time.
Cynthia recollects watching Porsha and Canadian Tanya make out, which we have now on-camera, earlier than ultimately going to sleep. A titty could or could not have fallen into somebody’s mouth. LaToya says she didn’t kiss anybody (a lie) and that she couldn’t have been the one screwing the stripper at 6 a.m. as a result of she was filming an Instagram video at the moment and we have now the footage to show it. It’s the one time being an influencer has helped somebody keep away from scandal. Marlo went to sleep earlier than Cynthia (“Okay, I’m not staying for this”), and Porsha on the bus to the fishing journey neatly says she doesn’t keep in mind what went down however is aware of she interacted with nearly everybody. -time gal after my very own coronary heart. Throughout Bolo Court docket, Shamea says she went to sleep round 4 a.m. and Canadian Tanya says she doesn’t keep in mind a lot of the night. I’m somewhat confused as to why nobody needs to step up and say they slept with Bolo the stripper as he’s scorching and has the most important member recognized to mankind. I’m simply saying, if I have been blessed sufficient to sleep with Bolo, I’d be shouting it from the rooftops, honey.
By some means, even with all this content material, the producers are in a position to shoehorn in a Kenya and Marlo reconciliation second. Any individual run them their additional time examine. Whereas their reconciliation does really feel barely compelled, it’s compelling to observe as a result of these girls actually do have a protracted historical past. I hope these two loopy children make it. As the women prepare for his or her first post-Bolo dinner, Shamea and Canadian Tanya inform Porsha that Kenya is saying that she and Tanya had a threesome with Bolo. Kenya’s hypothesis began off as enjoyable and innocent, however devolved into one thing sinister, and I believe it occurred the second she mentioned that one thing “inappropriate” went down within the additional bed room with Bolo. It’s by no means inappropriate for 2 consenting adults to have intercourse within the privateness of their very own room. Let’s not be the prude police, Kenya. We’re not Gen-Z TikTokers; we’re adults. That apart, clearly the ladies didn’t need any of this on-camera (therefore manufacturing leaving), so Kenya insisting on attending to the underside of this on-camera is shady at finest and an specific violation of her castmate’s needs at worst. Both approach, Porsha isn’t having it and calls Kenya “drained” and is sick of her “Auntie bull.” “It’s fuck, Kenya,” she says level clean, interval, and with that, a brand new feud between Porsha and the newly allied Kenya has been ignited. Bolo and his donkey dick could also be gone, however the deep, deep influence the Chanel-clad stripper made on the Atlanta housewives will certainly be felt for days, if not weeks, to come back (pun completely supposed).